On Heartaches and Heart Warming Friends

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It seems to be the season of pain, I see so many people around me going through hard times and heart aches. This one’s for all of you out there… a little part of my story...

The thing about mending a broken heart (after the first time around) is that you get used to it. You know it's reactions and you recognize the pain. Even though you can’t do anything about the ache that crushes your insides each time around, you submit yourself to it knowing deep down that somewhere, sometime soon in the future, you will be ok.

When my heart broke for the first time, I was a disaster. I didn’t know my heart could actually ache; It ached in places that I didn’t even know existed. Through the months that followed, I thought I would never recover and life as I knew it had ended. Ironically it was the same feeling that I had when I sat on that motorbike and went for my first date. Life, as I knew it had ended.

In the months that passed after my first love left me, I felt pain, anger, hurt, rage and helplessness. Sometimes all of those emotions together. 

Then one fine day, a few months later I woke up and I had no pain. I wasn't hurting. I survived. Somewhere down the line, I fell in love again.

Over the years I have broken a heart and got my heart broken quite a number of times. Every time, with each love, life as I know then has ended.

Heartbreaks and healing became a pattern. Patterns we start understanding over the years. I can comprehend my reactions in pain. However stupid they might be. I am aware that even though I might never stop loving, my love is not enough to make someone stay. So the form of my love changes, not it's extent.

The thing with adulthood is that with the pleasures of relationships is also brings responsibility. The responsibility of dealing with pain.

As you grow older, you are supposed to understand and act on pain as if it's a normal routine. You are supposed to control the things you say and do.
You learn to stop communicating. You assess situations and play mind games. Instead of howling your heart out to get over it, you endure and pretend to be strong. 

Heartaches at any stage of life are not easy.  You learn to accept them and hide the fact that they crush you in parts that haven’t been already crushed before.

But….

With heartaches come heartwarming friends. It’s the balancing act. Nature’s way of telling you that you are never truly alone.

Friends of all shapes and sizes. Some, who know about your pain and some, who don’t. Some, who don’t need to know. But all of them make sure that you are warm when the cold winds blow.
Friends who warn you of potential mistakes which you always end up making anyway. So you go back to them and even with all the foolishness in your kitty, they accept you for who you are.

The ones you can talk to about the same thing again and again and you never hear a sound of complain or boredom.
The ones you don’t need to say a thing to. They just know what to do to make you feel better - a warm cup of tea and your favourite meal.
And the ones who know nothing of what is going on in your life but their inherant warmth always warms up your life.

I am lucky to have a few of them around me. Life would not be this easy without you all around.

For my friends, I am thankful. I am blessed.

For those reading this and going through a heartache - your pain is unique and sadly only you can feel it. But trust me, One day, the sun will rise and you will wake up without the slightest thought of pain. You will laugh and you will learn to love again with all your heart and all the truth in the world. If you are lucky to have friends like mine, be rest assured, that day will come sooner than you think. 

the best and the worst ?

One of the things that has stayed with me since my teens is a quote I heard one of my favourite characters say in Beverly Hills 90210 (a show by the way that I loved and grew up watching)

Brenda goes for a cancer check-up and tells her boy friend at all she can do is – ‘hope for the best but expect the worst’. She obviously doesn’t have cancer and continues to live her life at Beverly High with delicious Dylan.

Anyhow, I guess it’s been a long since those teen years and the quote which held such true meaning has gone kaput on me quite a number of times.

Does age do that to you or is it your experiences?

I was talking about relationships to someone the other day. (At this point I must mention the conversation was between two perfectly eligible, single people) it was so strange how we completed each other’s sentences when it came to relationships.

So the conversation went something like, - ‘I don’t have the energy for another relationship’, I’m tired’, ‘I can’t hurt myself anymore’

On my way back home that day, listening to Romeo and Juliet (Dire straits – one of my all time ‘fairytale’ songs) I kept wondering where my ‘hope’ had gone.
Is the worst all that’s been happening? And it’s just not me. There are others like me.

Whatever happened to happily ever after? Maybe they built this illusion for us through all the stupid fairy tales. Maybe there isn’t any true happily ever after. There is just blatant truth staring at our face which doesn’t look very pleasing. Maybe we all had to have a bite of the poisoned apple and there is no prince or princess on their way to kiss and wake us up from that deep slumber.

Maybe that’s the reason we have stopped ‘hoping for the best’ and have welcomed the worst.

The reunion

Someday my love, when we both have ample time to kill, we will sit next to each other and stare at the blue sky, speechless for hours.

We will not move or touch, we will just linger forever.

We will let the silkiness of the calm breeze caress our skin

We will let the vastness of the universe embrace us

Soft, gentle and pure,

We will let cold raindrops kiss each cell in our skin

Until we give up all our senses and surrender

Someday my love, when we both have ample time to kill, we will look for each other

In the crazy monotonous race of everyday life,

To sit next to each other, speechless for hours.

Till then,

XX

me.

Tu jaane na .....

Words that touched my heart and my soul... (to hear click here)

कैसे बताये क्यों तुझ को चाहें यारां बता न पाएं
बातें दिलों की देखो जो बाकी आखें तुझे समझाए
तू जाने ना, तू जाने ना

मिल के भी, हम ना मिले
तुमसे ना जाने क्यों
मीलों के है फासले
तुमसे ना जाने क्यों
अनजाने है सिलसिले
तुमसे ना जाने क्यों
सपने है पल्खों तलें
तुमसे ना जाने क्यों


निगाहों में देखो मेरी जो है बस गया
वो है मिलता तुमसे हुबहू
जाने तेरी आखें थी या बातें थी वजह
हुए तुम जो दिल की आरजू
तुम पास हो के भी
तुम आस हो के भी
एहसास हो के भी
अपने नहीं
ऐसे है हमको गिले
तुमसे ना जाने क्यों
मीलों के है फासले, तुमसे ना जाने क्यों

ख्यालों में लाखों बातें यूँ तो कह गया
बोला ना कुछ तेरे सामने
हुए न बेगाने भी तुम हो के और के
देखो तुम ना मेरे ही बने
अफ़सोस होता है
दिल भी यह रोता है
सपने संझोता है
पगला हुआ, सोचे यह
हम थे मिले उनसे ना जाने क्यों
मीलों के है फासले, तुम से न जाने क्यों.

So. A love letter of sorts!

So swiftly she falls from the fenced corners of reason, deep into his arms.

So easily he picks her up from the depths of insanity, they might be on the verge of.

So smoothly they engulf each other as if they were one forever, broken up unnaturally.

So simply they talk, never with words, in a language they have invented.

So effortlessly they let loose, holding on though through invisible cords.

So eternally they live, amidst their own jigsaw puzzles. Yet always fitting together.

The eternal day-break

The placid river sits,
Silently as we stare,
Into the morning sun,
Rising unaware.

Fleets of humming birds,
Arise to a new day,
Soar into blue sheets,
Far far away.

The gentle breeze,
Caresses the dewy grass,
Naively swaying,
When through it we pass.

Time stands still,
For a moment, eternally.
My love, if this means forever,
Then let it just be.

Jo ho so ho....

I am bemused, mystified and dazzled all over again by Abida Parveen. Her songs, the poetry and her voice.

This one I have heard a million times and each time it relates to me in a different way.

Jo ho so ho.....

Apne aas paas dekh, zindagi har pal tumse yahi keh rahi hai..
Aaj thoda sa to jee le, jo ho so ho.


Check out the song here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XqPlIdUQUbM And the lyrics below –

Ishq mein tere kohe gham
Sar pe liya, jo ho so ho,
Aish o nishate zindagi,
Chhor diya, jo ho so ho.
Ishq mein tere kohe gham.
Aqal ke madrase se uth,
Ishq ke mae-kade mein aa,
Jame fana o bekhudi,
Ab to piya, jo ho so ho.
Ishq mein tere kohe gham.
Hijr ki jo museebatein,
Arz ki uske rouh-barouh,
Naz o eda se muskura,
Kehne lega, jo ho so ho
Ishq mein tere kohe gham.
Hasti ke is saraab mein,
raat ke raat bass rahe,
Subhe adam huwa namood,
Paon utha, jo ho so ho.
Ishq mein tere kohe gham,
Jame fana o bekhudi,
Ab to piya, jo ho so ho.

The eternality of eternalness

"what is it? My dear?"

"Ah, how can we bear it?"

"Bear what?"

"This. For so short a time. How can we sleep this time away?"

"We can be quiet together, and pretend - since it is only the beginning - that we have all the time in the world."

"And every day we shall have less. And then none."

"Would you rather, therefore, have nothing at all?"

"No. This is where I have always been coming to. Since my time began. And when I go away from here, this will be the mid-point, to which everything ran, before and from which everything will run.
But now, my love, we are here, we are now, and those other times are running elsewhere."


- A.S.Byatt, possession
(The time travelers wife)