Saturday, April 18, 2009
Big memories, one small suitcase . Dubai musings - part 3
How do you package happiness into small cubes and fit them into a jar? Perhaps like a can of sardines.
How do you save love in the corners of your mind, to use later when it refuses to listen to the heart?
How do you dwell permanently within the innocence you return to after a long period of hopeless remorse?
I have been battling with these questions since a long time. The idea of a holiday was to sort my mind, find answers, and take a break from a life that was squeezing all my energies and reasons to believe in everything.
I didn’t do anything I planned to do - I didn’t read, I didn’t catch up with music or movies, I didn’t write as much as I would have wanted to, I didn’t meet half of the people I planned too, I didn’t even make it to the dessert safari.
But - I ate, I built a tower of overpowering happiness, I got pampered, I made new friends, I ate ice cream for breakfast, Sushi for lunch, I got thrown into mid air a hundred and fifty feet above the ground, I connected with the most integral part of my life - my family, my brother.
Unaware, I found answers. I didn't need to read or write. I just experienced.
I take a lot back with me.... And I leave an equal number behind.
1)I leave behind guilt. Guilt that had slowly crept inside, guilt that had steadily eaten my peace of mind.
Guilt about eating too much, guilt about loving too much, guilt about making people unhappy, sometimes making them too happy, guilt about not doing what I should be doing.
I leave guilt to rest in peace.
I cleanse and purify my soul and take it back with me.
I take back the belief that it’s ok to be a glutton sometimes, if it makes me happy. It’s ok to have enough love to share and give, it’s ok to not like someone and not pretend to do so. It’s ok to stop doing something you don’t like. It’s ok to take the risk to do something you actually like.
2)I leave behind hatred. I leave behind vengeance.
I have felt hate and I have been vengeful. But when you see a child innocently smiling at you, just because you smiled at them you realize that love is all there is.
Love is all there can be, and love is all there always will be.
3)I leave behind a person who is scared, who is unwilling to realize her own dreams.
I take with me a person who is as fearless as scared.
4)I leave behind selfishness
I take with me bonds and ties stronger than ever. I take with me feelings that I never felt. Feeling of Love and hope that you feel with the people you are connected with through existence.
5) I leave behind confusion
I take with me simple answers to complicated questions -
• How do you package happiness into small cubes and fit them into a jar? Perhaps like a can of sardines?
You live, enjoy, cherish each moment. You close your eyes and take a snapshot of every moment.
• How do you save love in the corners of your mind, to use later when it refuses to listen to the head?
You accept that love never fades, it changes form and when needed it takes the form you want. You understand that loved ones never go anywhere, they just get busy.
You love from the bottom of your heart, unconditionally everyone and everything you meet and see.
• How do you dwell permanently within the innocence you return to after a long period of hopeless remorse?
You let yourself be. You don’t force your soul to become something it is not. You understand that you are innocent and unique and always will be. No one can take away your soul from you; nothing can take away your purity.
I remember a day before I applied for the visa, I didn’t want to make this trip. I didn’t want to spend money. And my wise mother told me, “go and be reckless”.
Why are mothers always right? Why do they know everything before it even happens? It baffles me how they can know what you need most and when you need it most, maybe it’s a chocolate cake or soul soothing khichdi or just a hug.
I am glad I listen to my mother (sometimes) I am so glad I made this trip.
I can’t thank Anubhav enough for pampering me (something I always wanted him to do) and giving me my best holiday ever.
I’m packing and stuffing my small suitcase with a million memories, friends and experiences.
Somehow, it looks like a carton of sardines!