Thursday, June 10, 2010

GREY and the shades in-between

Before posting this I made a friend read it and she said - ' I hope the person who marries you doesnt read these blogs because your'e just not this person' ... to who ever I might marry and you will someday read this - I am this and much more, I am grey and I am shades of pink and blue.... :)

I often ask myself, ‘Did I want to be this person I am today?’
I am not perfect even if I choose to believe so for my self confidence. I know there is more of grey in me than any other person I know.
I know I have told lies, cheated and at times hurt people for the pure pleasure of hurting them.
But I am not a bad person either.
I have forgiven, apologized, been kind and given myself while expecting nothing in return.
We don’t choose to be the people we become; it’s the paths we take that eventually mould us to be what we are.
- If I had not left a small town at the age of sixteen I would have been a different person, I would be married and probably taking care of two children at the moment
- If I had not chosen what I did choose to study I would be a Biology professor or maybe an actor
- If I didn’t break up with him, I would be cursing myself all my life for making a wrong decision
- If I didn’t choose to live alone, I would not be a loner today. I would not be selfish (or maybe it’s a wrong word) I would not be so independent, I would not be outspoken and hence a lot of times misunderstood
Living by myself, not being answerable to anyone has made me selfish, complacent or for the lack of a better word, a loner. Being blessed with parents to whom I have never needed to be answerable too even in the two years I recently spent living with them, I have forgotten how it is to be around people and to live and work according to their schedules. I don’t think twice before planning my life as it only involves me and no one else.
I remember a conversation with my mother a few years ago about how rigid people become when they live alone for a long time. How their ways and being becomes set in a particular way which is difficult to change. Therefore I decided to keep changing cities, I would build a new life every couple of years, make new friends and change myself according to what the city and the place demanded.
I sit here today, wondering if I have become the one my mother dreaded. If that is selfish, if not being used to being answerable is a bad thing or being a self centered person. I wonder.
I look back at the events that shaped my life, the decisions I took and the twists and turns of it all. The decisions we solely mine at every age, again that’s because of being blessed with parents who never took decisions for me. The events that took place were results of the decisions I took of which I am living the twists and turns.
Every day when I take the bus to work I plan I will sit on a different seat and that I will get into a different coach of the train and that I will walk on the other side of the road.
It is so easy to change and switch situations while it is so difficult to change the repercussions those switches bring into your heart and soul.
The funny thing being each one of us can only change our self but what we keep wanting a change in others.
But I also don’t know if I want to change myself. I don’t know what is wrong or what is right, it is at the end of the day all grey.


Calvin's Logic said...

I remember the song 'Sunshine' when I read this post. Things we do and realise that we do, but never sit back and judge that we could have handled things better. Life will take the colour that you paint. In retrospect, all looks grey. I would wait for a blogpost on things you could have possibly return, coloured your life.

Nikhil Tuli said...

In XII our vice principal Mr. R.D. Pawar who used to teach us English, said something in class, and perhaps thats the one of the few things I remember about him but very distinctly...

"There is nothing such as black or white. All are different shades of grey!!!"

Now its always upon you which shade of grey you would drift towards.

Its so true that what one keeps wanting is change in others. I sometimes try perceiving others in a different way...May not necessarily make a difference but at a minimum gives me and them more time in the process of re-forming an opinion.

Mostly when I think about what way I could have turned something and colored things, in the end makes me sad upon realization of the reality. But why do we always think the 'what if' part for a better what if...maybe its better to think 'what if' otherwise...just like you did...atleast the end realization would be good :)

I will sit over this sometime...maybe try writing..maybe not.. :( I always end up blank when I try writing.


Ashutosh said...

True to the every word. When you lead a same life for long, you get settled ...and its really difficult to change from that comfort zone of which you get habitual of.

You are lucky in some sense for the kind of parents you got but it requires a strong and determined person to take such uncommon decisons in one's life. You sounds to be very adventurous kind when it comes to living your life. Probably not many people can understand your feelings and ways.

Thats why your friend emphasized that your personality does not fit in to the words written here. You are someone else! ...someone more than these words could define. Not just some shades of Grey ...or even Pink or Blue but Black & White as well. Whatever. But your blog post created a positive picture of your personality before me.


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