And there it is in front of me, staring at me yet again in big bold letters, the question I no longer have an answer to.
I have given up now on counting the number of times I am asked this question – “so how come YOU (read emphasis on YOU) aren’t married yet?” I politely reply, “well, hmmm... I don’t know!” Then pops up the next one, “How come you didn’t find anyone, there are so many nice boys around!”
Something inside me wants to shake the person asking me the question, rattle their heads and open their eyes wide by maybe sticking my fingers into them and politely request them to shut the fuck up.
For starters, if I had found someone, I would be married. Secondly, just because I didn’t doesn’t mean I’m desperate, so – you don’t need to be kind enough to hook me up with someone. When I was twenty no one wanted to hook me up with anyone, and well Sherlock, that’s when I wanted to be ‘hooked up’. On the downhill ride to fast approaching thirty, I don’t want to be ‘hooked up’ by all you generous people. I might be enjoying my life - (or is it so hard to believe) ...(with occasional bouts of loneliness - but then who said married couples aren’t lonely as well) so, why is it that hard to imagine that it is ok to be single? Or that single women don’t have a life!
When I am asked this question now, I have no answer. I simply smile and wonder about the weather and humidity and how flat my hair becomes because of it and that maybe I should colour my hair, I always wanted to colour a strand blue so maybe I should just do it. All this while there is on the other end a rant going on about – “so tell me your story, you didn’t even find ONE boy in all these years?” (Read underline – ‘but she’s not that bad looking hmmm, poor thing, must be expecting too much hmmm, women today... hmmmm..)
To all those very concerned people out there, to those who would like to know the story...
I found, I loved, I lost, I found again, I loved again and I lost again. ... and again....
I found out what I wanted and what I didn’t; yes it took some time and well, some people... but what I wanted at twenty was just not what I wanted at twenty two, certainly not what I thought I wanted at twenty five and just not what I need at twenty eight.
My road to discovery has not been about another person but about myself. Others have just played characters in realisation of the bigger plot but I have been and continue to be the hero of my story.
I have not needed a man to tell me how I should change a light bulb or how I need to fix the leakage in the bathroom, these are things I have figured in my own sweet time, on my own.
I have not needed a man to take decisions for me, the ones that altered my life – when and how I should change my career path, which city I would like to live in..
I have been hurt, I have broken my heart and I have cried nights, simply to realize after a couple of weeks that I do heal, my heart repairs itself and time sorts out everything. And I don’t need a man to sort it out for me.
I am fiercely independent and I might sound like a stuck up bitch but it just isn’t so...
When I meet someone who is fiercely comfortable with me being a stuck up bitch, I will love him till eternity.
I will be the girl who loves lilies and walks in the rain, who plans surprises and loves them as well. I will be the girl who will want her man to sweat it out, fix the furniture and find the directions. I will be the girl who will be very strong inside but will just want that shoulder to lean on, just because it feels so good.
I will be that girl, when I find the boy who doesn’t ‘need’ me be one.
And until then, stop asking me, “how come I didn’t find anyone”?
Because darling, I have been just been busy finding myself!