Monday, February 7, 2011

Celebrating February #1 - One piece, two piece … F@#$ whatever!!!

My happy month is here. I am a February baby and I absolutely love everything about this month. Apart from the fact that this month meant the most number of birthday cakes when I was growing up, I love this month for the hope of spring that it brings along.

February in Dubai doesn’t bring a hope for spring but the scare of terrible summer. However the weather in February is perfect for an outdoor brunch or sipping wine on a patio overlooking the beach. It’s the time when you make the most of the weather, plan last minute holidays and try to hold on to whatever cold wind you can capture in one breath.

To honor my happy month I am going to write a few posts about the things on my mind this month. Stay tuned :-) Here is the first in the series -

One piece, two piece … F@#$ whatever!!!

Amazing weather, a crazy month and lots of stress has made us plan a teeny weeny weekend getaway next week. The getaway demands the purchase of a certain item which has made me going nuts now. I had some time ago written about my angst in finding the right pair of jeans (read here, here and here), thankfully I did find them after months of searching and trying out probably thousands of pairs. I haven’t had to go through that torture again, thankfully. This time however it’s the fight between me and the bikini.

I have owned some really pretty swimming attire since I was a child and that’s all thanks to the very sweet aunties and uncles who would travel abroad and bring back gifts for us poor souls who never went further than Nepal (and one foot into Pakistan, thanks to some army connections)

Anyhow, the last pretty one got eaten up by Coffee (May her soul rest in peace) in my attempt to save it from her it got torn badly. So that’s when the fight begun and is now a full fledged battle.

What does a normal Indian (read Punjabi) woman naturally blessed with thunder thighs (which we politely refer to as – ‘khate peete ghar ki nishani’) do when she has to find a decent yet nice looking swimming attire. Now you might tell me there is a choice in the market of the funny suits that come with frills and skirts at the bottom and I will give you a very dirty look. No normal bred swimmer would wear something that resembles a cross between a bad cheerleader uniform and a little girl’s birthday dress in LYCRA.

So I search and I search and all I see around me are skimpy little two piece thingis seeing which I wonder – who the hell really fits into these minuscule pieces of cloth? Being blessed with thunderous baseball bats is one thing but the beauty of the Indian woman doesn’t stop there and also settles in the lovely love handles that ummmm kind of look only nice when you wear a saree and pretend to be all sexy and coy at the same time.

Anyway, you take them in the trial room, struggle to fit in… look right, left, front and back, cringe at the thought of added cellulite since the last time you were in a trial room, make a sad face and fantasize about a morning when you would wake up and all that fat would have been mysteriously been sliced off in the night and you would be the new Kareena Kapoor.

You are so depressed after the trial room that you pick up a few shoes (that always fit right) and drown your sorrows in a nice big blueberry muffin (not always low fat)

I fail to understand when more than 70 percept of the population in this country is Asian how come not one piece of swim wear is apt for the Indian / Asian woman (one piece, nice cut, makes you look good and thin :P ?) I have searched almost all malls and walked endlessly till my feet are dead yet all in vain. The eternal search for the perfect swim wear remains unfulfilled. This is not Baywatch and I am not a Pamela Anderson, still is it a crime to ask for this?!!

So, until I find you, my perfect swim attire,

The average, stout and short Punjabi woman.


Anubhav Sethi said...

That was not one foot in Pakistan!! It was just a foot in no-mans-land :(

Aanchal said...

OMG.. meaning i have been living in denial all my life... christ, i feel really depressed now!!!!! and what about my post .. no comment on that LOL

Anubhav Sethi said...

I was heart broken when i figured out the same. :( All my teen years i lived with pride because i had put 1 foot in pakistan. Only to figure out that i hadnt.

Kiran said...

Love the post...funny, crisp and and very, very honest!!!

Apeksha said...

Love it my sweet punju friend aka sister


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