Excerpts from the Dairy of a 16 and 18 year old....

The joy about growing up is looking back and being amazed at the road you took.
I happened to come across some of my old diaries mom has painstakingly preserved.

They had my poems, articles and feelings penned down. They also had some cards and letters I saved in them along with two flowers carefully preserved (for the life of me I don’t remember who, when and where gave them to me!!)

Some excerpts from the diary –

Friday, 3rd April 1998 (the day 10th boards got over)

“... I don’t want to leave; I don’t want anything to change and most of all I don’t want to grow up...”

I did leave, I did grow and I did change. Thank God I did! Though I don’t remember when was the last time I ever thought about the days in school or the days just before I moved to Pune, I do remember the process of change and the feelings I went through at that time.....

Class 9 (year 1997) – paragrph from a poem published in the school newsletter.

...The myriad moods of nature
Show only one reflection...
Mine.”

I was philosophical then I am philosophical now... just more realistic!!!

Letter from Mom (after major fight with the boyfriend at that time) August 2000

“Smart is the woman who can see through the act, yet give occasional boosts to the male ego BUT keep them in their place. It is a tall order indeed. And most of us would say – How? I mean we feel so helpless without the presence of a man in our periphery. So while you give their egos a shove now and then don’t forget to show them that you can do without them a d for that DONT EVER CRY IN THE PRESENCE OF ANY MAN. Because when you cry – you shatter all your build up – I am a woman of substance – and end up looking like a fool.”

Mommmmmy!!!!! I love you. I don’t know if I have mentioned it earlier but I have the coolest folks and my mom simply rocks. I love her for it. Nine years ago my mom was giving me gyan about men. Nine years later it still applies. (I guess I will need to refer to her beautifully written letters when I will need to give my daughter gyan because, men I guess will never change!)
Sadly, I did cry in front of a man a couple of times after that. All of them I realize today didn’t deserve it at all. Soon enough I realized and stopped doing it.

August 6th 2000 (Happy friendship day, handmade card by J)

“Keep the flame of friendship burning all the time” (with a flower looking thing made under it)

J is my bestest friend, if there can be one. I can be honest with her. There are no pretensions between us and that’s the best part. I know it must have taken her ages to make this and pains to write because – she cannot write/draw and most importantly show her affections.

Nine years down the line, we are still burning the flame of friendship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lol. (if there was a cheeky line contest this would win hands down!!!)

I’m off now, but my weekend project is to dig out old letters and more diaries and entertain my self... so there will be more of this coming ... read on !!!

cross connections

On-off, on-off,

The switch in my heart

Building walls

Breaking fences

Off-on, off-on.

Always on,

The switch in my mind,

Solving puzzles,

Inventing riddles,

Always on.

Updates, Updates, Updates

I am super kicked!!!!

The weekend has been great!!!!

1) I bought my "very own" laptop. FINALLY!!!!! and that too a Sony Vaio. I always wanted this. Money has bought happiness!!!!

2)I have spent the entire weekend with R. He is leaving in a few days and I cant miss any moments with him. He is such a delight. Now here is happiness that is so innocent, pure and lovely.

3)I have decided to let go.... now whats the point?

4)Had dinner at La Fiesta, Cannelloni with spinach ... yummmmmmm!!!

I'm spending the Sunday playing with R, updating the laptop, reading and hopefully painting a tequila bottle.

Now, who cares about tomorrow?
:)

The certainty of uncertainty!!!

The last few days have got me contemplating about certainty. We live our lives striving for certainty when everything around us is uncertain.
The core of being is uncertain and ironically the core of not being is the only thing that is certain.

When I heard the news of a twenty nine year old passing away due to some random illness, it hit me that it doesn’t take a second to break the momentum of life.

The past few days and weeks have had me question the basic existence of a lot of things, including myself!

I can step up, get a hold of myself and fight for things, but I’m just not being able to do it.

I want answers first.

Why do I need to do all this when at the end of the day it’s not going to count at all?

Its not about the money in my bank account, it’s not about the number of shoes I own. It’s not about the promotion I will or will not get, its not even about who did get the promotion.
It’s not about the meetings, the presentations, the fight for power. And it’s certainly not about the degrees and the laurels you achieve.

It is, about the way you feel when you see a child smiling innocently at you (I know this is clichéd but I truly experienced this in the past few months)
It’s about the places you go to and the people you meet. It’s about the crazy things you do and the random things in life.
It’s eating ice-cream straight from the carton and blowing soap bubbles into space.
It’s about the times you spend looking at the stars and watching sunsets.

There comes a point in your life when you reflect at the times that never happened. The holidays you never took, the friend you never called, the ‘I’m sorry, I love you’ you never said, the huge cheese burger you never ate…..

That’s when you realize that you weren’t living at all.
You were breathing a robotic existence controlled by other people, destiny and time. The three things that are certainly ‘uncertain’ in life.

Therefore….

I take a pledge to experience, enhance and enrich my existence.
I take a pledge to start living today.

The road to Love

Topsy turvy,
Amusingly bumpy,
Ironically twisty,
Sometimes empty,
Mysteriously quirky,
Weirdly clammy,
Lip-smackingly tasty,
Intriguingly lovely...

..The road to love.

Blueberry muffins and conversations....

Every Friday evening since the past one and a half years, I miss Bombay. Weekends in Bombay begin on Friday afternoon. There is always something exciting to do, somewhere exciting to go.

There are so many things I miss about Bombay - (in no particular order)

The sea
The smell (Bombay has a weird smell of salt, fish, shit and trains)
The way its alive at any given point of time
The food
The way you can get out of your house in a pajamas or in a LBD and no one even gives you a second glance
The fact that no one 'really cares'
Wada pav
The fact that one can get a bottle of wine with a wine opener delivered at their doorstep at 3 am
Worli sea face
Colaba causeway
The walks in the by lanes of Bandra
Out of the blue

I could go on and on...
What I am really missing this Friday evening are the Blueberry muffins at The Bagel Shop.
Sitting on the cane chairs.. watching the world go by... eating a blueberry muffin and drinking mint tea while day turns into night and no one cares to ask me to get up and leave. :)

The Bagel Shop at Bandra

An ode to my 'low tech' friends!

Continuing the simple “low tech” pleasures of life story, I love how food and good conversation can uplift your mood like nothing else can.

After the week I have had, a dinner and conversation with friends was just so relaxing.
Of course when food is Chinese it takes half my worries away!
Which gets me to a question that’s boggling my mind since quite sometime; everyone says friends are the family we choose. If that’s the case, can we forgo our family if they are not to our liking?
Or do we continue to please or get displeased by the whims and fancies of people who are forced into our lives by people who might not even exist today?

Lucky are those who find friends within their family. But if that doesn’t happen to you, does our society and culture allow you to let go and live your life the way you want to?

I see so many people stuck in a rut because of bonds that they didn’t choose or want. Bonds which they are obligated to whether they like it or not!

Are these people unlucky?

While at dinner today, conversation flowed easily, there were no pretensions. Unlike the past week that has been pretentious and fake in order to please people.
My friends didn’t judge me on the parameters I have been judged lately –

Why are you still ‘single’ at 27?
Why don’t you know what you want to do with your life?
Why do you spend your money the way you do?
Why are you anti social?
Why are you sometimes extra social?
Why do you fall in love so easily?
Why is attraction so important when it comes to ‘settling down’?
Why are you making friends with people who are being termed by others as ‘bad’ people?

My friends listen to my idiosyncrasies as I listen to theirs. It’s my haven where I can be myself, seek comfort and refuge.

There are answers I still seek. I will still pretend and behave the way society expects me to behave. I will still laugh and ignore when someone asks me one of the weird questions.
I will do all that because at the end of the day I know there is that one cup of coffee and a friend I can pour my heart to and that’s all that matters.

Low tech

…. And bring so much happiness…. I would replace Kittens with Puppies.