Tu jaane na .....

Words that touched my heart and my soul... (to hear click here)

कैसे बताये क्यों तुझ को चाहें यारां बता न पाएं
बातें दिलों की देखो जो बाकी आखें तुझे समझाए
तू जाने ना, तू जाने ना

मिल के भी, हम ना मिले
तुमसे ना जाने क्यों
मीलों के है फासले
तुमसे ना जाने क्यों
अनजाने है सिलसिले
तुमसे ना जाने क्यों
सपने है पल्खों तलें
तुमसे ना जाने क्यों


निगाहों में देखो मेरी जो है बस गया
वो है मिलता तुमसे हुबहू
जाने तेरी आखें थी या बातें थी वजह
हुए तुम जो दिल की आरजू
तुम पास हो के भी
तुम आस हो के भी
एहसास हो के भी
अपने नहीं
ऐसे है हमको गिले
तुमसे ना जाने क्यों
मीलों के है फासले, तुमसे ना जाने क्यों

ख्यालों में लाखों बातें यूँ तो कह गया
बोला ना कुछ तेरे सामने
हुए न बेगाने भी तुम हो के और के
देखो तुम ना मेरे ही बने
अफ़सोस होता है
दिल भी यह रोता है
सपने संझोता है
पगला हुआ, सोचे यह
हम थे मिले उनसे ना जाने क्यों
मीलों के है फासले, तुम से न जाने क्यों.

Tusday musings - Drugged, random thoughs

In office on an idle Tuesday afternoon awaiting changes in layouts with a strong anti allergic in your blood, what do you do????

You pen down random, random, totally and utterly random thoughts….

Read on….

* I have the worst cold ever; all I can think of is hot chicken sweet corn soup. The kind in which lots of corn flour has been added and the egg looks like puke so you need to put lots and lots of soy sauce till the soup becomes black. Yes, that’s exactly what I am craving for.

*I am reading the Lost Symbol since a week and I can’t believe I have carried on a Dan Brown book for so long. It’s not a patch on The Da Vinci Code. He keeps repeating himself and goes on tangents that have no connection with the actual plot.Robert Langdon is weak. The sheer brilliance of him in the earlier books is gone. I think it’s the Tom Hanks effect; he was so lost in the film adaptations of The Da Vinci Code and Angels & Demons that his lose acting skills have rubbed off on the character here.

*I absolutely love the new Limca jingle.(can’t help much as it plays on everyone’s computers all day) Not very fond of the ad though. The first one was a master piece. The playfulness and twang (my word for a naughty/emotional/playful blend) of the Sushma Reddy one lacks here but the music as usual sticks.

*I have 340 friends on facebook and I talk to none. It’s a pity, social networking is supposed to bring you closer but I don’t see that happening.
I love checking out my news feed – status, pictures and links. I don’t remember the last time anyone wrote on my wall or I did on theirs.
Pity, sigh. : (

*I highly recommend watching Inglorious Basterds. Tarintino just gets better and better with every film he makes.
Call me a sadist but I love the way in which he displays blood. There is always such ruthless, raw elegance in each frame where anything to do with murder and blood is concerned.
Simply beautiful.

*I am trying very hard to rise up and forgive the inglorious bastards I know but it is not happening.
How long does this process take?
The one that involves – mistrust, betrayal, hurt, anger, damage – anger, anger, anger, pain, hurt, pain – letting go, forgetting, moving on…..
I am still on stage one and the spiritual pep talks are not helping.

*Spiritual pep talks remind me of Deepak Chopra on twitter. The man can talk. He tweets every second. My twitter page is full of his tweets.
Honestly, I fail to understand most of them because he blabbers too much.

*I am very touched by some sweet messages about the blog. (esp. Z and J) I am glad to bring a change and provoke thoughts which have been whiling away in your heads. But People please comment on the blog – don’t mail me/ sms me or comment on gtalk.
Some of the small pleasures in my life include reading the comments on the blog page     ( :- D )


*The air is changing and I love this city during these months. I must admit though that I am over this place now and the time has come to move on but the weather is making it so much more bearable.

The avil effect is kicking in and I’m high. : )

Its time to check some layouts and go home to my bed and pillow and sleeeeeeeeeep just to later wake up to hot, steaming soup.

Aaaaah, the very simple pleasures of being ill. : )

So until more random thoughts,

Sniff, sniff, cough, cough !!!

Cheers!

The weekend chronicles

Crazy week and a crazier weekend. Have lost and gained so much this week. The new post had to be on eye openers.... read on ...

:) :) :) 

Weekend revelation 1

I sit across the table from an unassuming gentleman in a tiny, pink tiled room and while he blabbers incoherent words in an ancient language I try to focus my attention on the wall pasted with numerous pictures of God’s and Goddesses. The smell of incense is thick and overpowers the aroma of bhetki being cooked in the neighbouring house.

I feel almost surreal. The man is reading out my future as the ancients have written it.

At one point, I almost laugh out loud. I can’t help but notice the irony of his predictions coinciding with recent events. That makes me want to laugh and tell him to shut up. I go on listening though, hoping that something he says will give me hope.

He sums up the session by telling me this is my last birth and therefore the reason for all the troubles, I need to clear my karmic debt to everything and everyone.

After that it’s simple bliss. Moksha.

This happened yesterday. A quiet, long rickshaw ride later, I came home and tried to fit the pieces of the puzzle together.

If someone spread out your entire life right in front of you in a mere sixty minutes, would you put up your hands and give in to destiny or would you fight and challenge it, simply to change it?

If this is my last birth and I don’t get another chance to experience and learn then I have wasted enough time.

There are still the Greek islands to discover, too much sushi left to eat, sky diving to be done......

Weekend revelation 2

There is not much you can do to ease pain. You need to let it sink in, slowly.

You need to wait for numbness to take over.

Things that make the heart ache are something like that too. You just have to believe, you have to see what stares at you with naked eyes. You have to let it engulf you till you are submerged in its powers and then you wait. You wait to forget. You wait for it to ebb.

Change happens in its due course. (Karmic debts I guess) and comes back a full cycle.

But sometimes what changes cannot be undone. Sometimes what you lose is lost forever.

Sometimes years of trust are broken in a brittle moment of truth.

Weekend revelation 3

Even if it’s momentarily, there is nothing that can’t be cured with a little Billo Rani and vodka.

I spent a couple of hours last night dancing on cheesy, cheap Hindi item numbers. Three vodka peg’s to forget that I am a horrible dancer.

Friends without any Karmic debts, just me and the stars..

Awesome.

Weekend revelation 3

As I write this, I am also watching qayamat se qayamat tak on TV.

In a weird, sort of crazy way watching this movie today makes me think of the past. The twenty seven years that have gone by.

This movie is eventful in a lot of ways – it is one of the first movies I watched on the big screen, the first time I fell in love (aamir khan) , the first time I cried for someone else (when they both die), the first time I thought of the concept of eternal love.

The weekend started with someone predicting the next thirty five years of my life and the weekend ends with a flashback.

I don’t have the guts to count what I have lost and what I have gained. I fear the losses might precede the gains.

So I let that be.

The past twenty seven years have been eventful, joyous, sad, happy all blended into one.

I suddenly realise that the astrologer hasn’t told me anything that I haven’t experienced.

The next thirty five are going to be eventful, joyous, sad and happy all blended into one.

I just might be smarter to live them with a smile.

Aamir Khan and Juhi Chawla have just found abode in the middle of nowhere and they are happily singing a song....

I can’t help but fantasize about a similar situation. Eternal, crazy love, an abode in the middle of nowhere and fighting for who you love. Perfection.

And then soon after, the villains arrive and perfection dies.

A tear rolls down my cheek.... as always.

Remember cupcakes?

Remember when you were a child and a tray of freshly baked cupcakes was kept right in front of you. That moment when you looked at that tray and smelt the choco-cocoa, creamy, hot cakes was one where nothing else in the world mattered.

Everything you wanted and ever needed was right in front of your eyes. It was Hansel and Gretel in real life minus the witch. Everything after that would be happily ever after.

As grown-ups the cupcakes grew scantier and the often moments became once in a while.

Everything that was wanted and needed was not available on a tray, kept in front of your eyes to feast on.

You learnt to fight for a tiny piece, to cut ends for one single bite. You learnt to scram, save and struggle for your potion of happiness.

Cupcakes all of a sudden were compartmentalised. Cupcakes were not happiness on a tray anymore.

You needed to choose how big a bite of which cupcake you would eat.

And suddenly, you realised that you couldn't eat cupcakes anymore. Your body refused to take in anything remotely sugary.

Suddenly happily ever after seemed like a distant dream of hot, creamy cupcakes in a distant past.

Do you remember this happening to you?

The irony of love

Found this beautiful image on the net -

and then I found a longer version -

Happy New Day !!!

Inked, engraved and enlivened

Has it ever happened to you that you lose a part of yourself in the humdrum of life and then just like that, one fine day it all comes back. You are yourself all over again. Maybe for a moment or for a day but that feeling, the feeling of being whole again is the biggest high you can ever get.

Being impulsive, spontaneous and unplanned used to be natural for me.

Life and its expectations, me and my expectations from life, people, work, the stress of  always running late for work, heartbreaks and heartaches, the anxiety of becoming fat, the worry of failing, the sense of loss etc made me very guarded.

I don’t know when it exactly happened. That moment in which I trapped my carefree, artless, raw soul into walls I built for myself. I forgot that it was ok to be impulsive, to be free and to be myself.

My soul subjected to such torture, lay dormant. Too busy to even look at myself in the mirror I forgot about it being all alone behind deep, thick walls.

This whole deal of being guarded came with its perks; it made me feel old and made me anti-social.

None of this is my inherent nature but I played along

Fighting the world was enough; I didn’t have time to fight with myself.

This weekend after declining three invitations for dinners and parties, I was ready to sit at home, watch crappy Saturday night TV and aimlessly browse the internet. A friend kept insisting that I come and meet her and her boyfriend, whom I had never met. Having let her down so many times already I decided to make a short visit. One drink and I would get back home.

The conversation was interesting, I was drinking slowly and after meeting people I adore I was at ease.

My friend’s boyfriend happens to be a tattoo artist and the conversation obviously was revolving around that when I told him about the tattoo design I have been carrying around since forever but have never had the guts to get it done (it also happens to be significant in my to do before 30 list)

He came up with the idea of doing the tattoo right then. It was 1.30 in the morning. I was sane with only half a peg of whiskey and coke in my blood.

I have no idea what came over me, I don’t even remember thinking too much.

I agreed.

At 3.30 in the morning, I had my tattoo.

As each drop of ink pierced into my skin something else, somewhere evaporated.

Each prick of the needle pulled out a brick of the deep, thick wall and engraved my spirit that had suddenly woken up.

It wasn’t just about the tattoo or the symbol that means so much; it was about what the whole experience was doing to me.

Cho Ku Rei is a Reiki symbol. It indicates strength, power and energy with a direction.

What has always attracted me to this symbol is its meaning that all the energies of the universe reside at this point (where it is drawn)

People feel that it takes big events in life to wake one up from deep slumber. I believe that everyday there are moments which give you the choice to either wake up or lay dormant.

Impulsively, without much thought, getting the tattoo in the middle of the night, just like that was a moment for me.

A moment to wake up my soul and be alive again.

Tattoos always have a story and a reason behind them. My tattoo has given me a reason to look forward again.

With the universal energy engraved in me forever I doubt my soul will ever sleep again!

It is my new day, my happy new day.

And not to forget the tattoo -  immensely sexy! ;)

Note: The title credit for this post goes to my good friend A. I have read this as your status message since so long but Saturday night was an actual new day.

The credit for going through with this also goes to A and S, thanks for pushing me.

Miss Almost, Miss Maybe, Miss Halfway

 People who know me well know for a fact how difficult it is for me to stick on.
I can’t stick.
I can’t stick to a career or to a job.
I can’t stick to a city or to people.

A lot of people feel I have commitment issues. I feel I just like to experience.

God however is naughty.
I think He/She likes to play with the naughty ones.
Ones like us.

Does it happen to you that you are faced with choices just when you have made a decision?
Does it often happen that you have set your mind to do something and be right and suddenly out of no where temptation appears?
You take a step to eat that cake and realize that you are leaving millions of chocolates behind?

I have often pondered on why I can’t stick.
I see everyone around me comfortable, settled in lives they have either succumbed to or are trying to settle into. Most of my peers are getting married, having babies, going places with their jobs and living content (I hope so) lives.

I have been one of those who have always wanted more. The kinds, who suck from the straw till the last moment and make ugly noises just to get the last bit of the strawberry milkshake.

The ones who feel no job was ever made good enough to exploit their talents. They have so many talents that they discover a new one everyday and then forget where they started from.

I am sure there are quite a number of ‘ones’ like me.
‘Ones’ with whom God plays mean, fun and naughty games.
Restless, twitchy, forever seeking souls.

Faced with life changing decisions at the moment, I have suddenly been gifted options.
I can choose.
I have been given the gift to choose.

And suddenly, I don’t want it.
I like the limbo, I like the chase and I like the unknown.
I like being almost,
I like being maybe,
I like being halfway.

Note : This post is inspired by the lyrics of the song - Miss Halfway by Anya Marina check them out here

Don't tempt me, Please!

(Photo from cartoon stock - Just to express how I feel!)

Not being able to buy a pair of jeans in my size (read here) and a bad stomach infection gave me the motivation to join an exercise class.

Now I am not a person built for gyms. I don’t find any pleasure running on the treadmill, staring outside the window and looking at passing traffic.

I also don’t find much pleasure in looking at brawny gym instructors bursting out of their tee shirts.

There isn’t much pleasure if you may please in picking up weights and making funny faces at yourself in the gym mirror.

While I was flirting with the idea of how I could lose weight, I ended up joining a few gyms, yoga classes’ et al. None of which lasted long enough.

Last week the weighing machine gave me the jitters. I now know how people who fret about their weight feel. It’s not just about the fat; it’s so much more –

* All the clothes I have in my wardrobe that I will not fit into anymore.

* The numerous others I will see hanging on pretty shelves and I won’t be able to pick up.

* The way chocolate mousse will scream the letters FAT in big, bold letters each time I will look at it and drool.

* The way I will feel each time Kareena Kapoor will show up in a movie or a magazine with her bloody size zero figure.

Shocked and shaken, I have now enrolled myself in a group exercise class.

My legs and arms haven’t stopped aching since the past three days. But there are some perks –

* The class is full of 18 year olds with so much energy. I feel old but I also feel the need to be young.

* The gym has awesome showers (does that matter, yes!!!) There are even hair dryers in the showers, fancy that!

* Just below the gym is Chocolate Room with all those awesome chocolates and Bikaner wala with piping hot jalebis, what better test for my will power can I ask for?

I am two classes old and I already feel thinner (at least in my mind)

I pray for motivation and strength to get through this.

I pray to all the cup cakes and chocolate mousses in the world, don’t tempt me. Please.

I miss so much !!!!! - Tuesday musings - 2

On idle Tuesdays afternoons like this I miss –

•Fruit plates at the Linterland office. That guilt - free something to eat during the 4pm hunger pang.

•Afternoon movies at Gaiety- Galaxy, anyone who lives in and around Bandra knows about the G7 multiplex. I miss watching movies with some old charm around them.
Wooden seats, air coolers, popcorn in packets and bottled cold drinks. Also unique to G7 is catching a glimpse of the Anil Kapoor look alike usher.

•Sleeping. Aimless, no reason afternoon sleep that later gives you a groggy head.

•The NCC canteen in Pune, where I have spent so many idle yet fun afternoons sipping Onjus and munching on wada pav which strangely only at the NCC canteen is served with delicious Sambhar.

•Long, sleepy edits at VideoKraft (an offline studio in Worli, Mumbai)

•The 15 minutes after school got over and there was so much energy outside the busses, at the cycle parking lot and the canteen. That’s when I caught a glimpse of the hottie I had a crush on. : )

•Shopping spree’s @ hill road.

•Burgers @ fast track at the NFC community centre market in Delhi. They were awesome especially while bunking boring 4 hour long radio classes.

•Unlimited beer buffets @ Sports bar.

•Sangrias and pasta @ out of the blue.

•Blueberry muffins @ the Bagel shop.

•Watching Bold and the Beautiful once in 6 months at 3 pm and catching up just where I left it.

•Day dreaming.

•Making travel plans to remote islands in the Mediterranean.

•And so much more…..

What do you miss? write in and let me know : )

Tuesday musings - 1

Today's blog of note features a very interesting blog - http://isledance.blogspot.com/

I found this amazing quote there -

"She was bold, and yet she was reserved. She was sensual and girlish, but she was never coy ... she projected ... a vitality and freshness ... demureness, that suggested ... she was in charge of herself and not to be had." - Paul Fees

Beautiful, isn't it?

a small journey

We met, we never spoke, we spoke, we became friends, we became best friends, we loved, we fought, we hated, we didn’t speak, we became aloof, we missed each other, we forgot each other, we met again, we fought, we hated our guts, we lost touch, we met yet again, we reminisced, we regretted, we became friends, we spoke, we became best friends, we met, we loved.

We, never left.

If I could learn ...

Balance

If I could learn just that I could be so much calmer.

Reason

If I could learn just that I could be so much more grounded.

Hope

If I could learn just that I could be so much more positive.

Love

If I could learn just that I could be so much happier.

I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder when we can’t please everyone why should we even try.

In order to please people we end up forgetting to please our self.

Is that a happy way to live?

We are born with relationships, relationships we don’t choose, relationships we are obliged and obligated to.

We end up making however through life, relationships that we base on our terms and conditions. Ones we can decide to keep or let go. There are no obligations to those.

The funny part is that throughout our lives we try to please those who are connected to us through a social norm we had no say in.

The funnier part is how much ever we try those are the people whose expectations we will never be able to fulfill.

Those are the people we will keep trying to please but somehow it will never ever be enough.

But we will still try,

Imperfections will become perfections.

Pride will be dead and ego gone.

And slowly we learn,

Life itself, at the end of the day was never our choice to begin with.