Everyone keeps asking me why I haven't written in so long. Honestly, I have sixteen unfinished blog posts on my laptop but I haven't been able to see myself in them, hence they are not here. A lot has transpired since the past four months and i am not quite sure, this post is my best work, or it can even explain what I want to say. But I hope it is a start, baby steps back to writing, something that defines me yet I just couldn't get on doing recently.
I want to write about all the transformation I have been seeing in and around me since the past four months, I hope I can though because honestly, I am still experiencing it. I am still in a state of being, and far from the chapter end this time.
Anyhow, I have had the hardest four months, since as long as I can remember. Everyday in the past few months when I woke up I forced my mind to believe that it was going to be a good day. While most days were simply ok, others were horrible and some were quite amazing. That kind of sums up an entire life, doesn't it?
I have, since the year started stepped into territories I always said I would and then never did, only to regret and complain that my life wasn't complete. The one thing that these four months taught me was that happiness cannot be found via other people. It can only come from within. Most of my happiness has always depended on other people, and that is just the way I am, much like a sponge. I permeate everything around me, positive and negative till I am so full that I don't have the energy or the space to understand and express what I feel like.
So as this year started I decided that while I could not change my core and I would always be a sponge, I could start reserving a little bit of that space for my own self. So what if no one was a part of it, it would be all mine.
I started by dancing, bought a camera finally, started pottery classes and I jumped out of a plane.
It was when I was at the edge of the plane, looking down 15000 feet at the world I inhabit (technically) that it hit me, I was with complete strangers and if by chance the parachute did not open and I did fall straight into some building, my last few moments of life would be in the company of these people.
The only person I knew in that aircraft was myself. And so, I filled myself with every memory, every moment in a matter of a few seconds. I have never felt so complete and so in sync with myself as I did for those couple of seconds before I jumped. I was after a long time, my own best friend once again.
I have, for the lack of a better word, 'struggling' to achieve a peace within me. A state of calmness that I have known before and have now lost the directions to.
Since the past few months, I have been in a state of 'want' and God knows that makes one restless. As a friend told me a while back, "you want the right things, but you want them all right NOW and that is the cause of all your heartache"
I reflect and it is so true.
I am yearning for life to reveal the meaning of this transformation and restlessness to me right now. I am desperate to seek answers and solutions to my never ending quests and I am eager to change everything around me to the way I presume it should be.
I wish it were that easy.
I wish I could discard this lingering feeling of 'why, what and why not's' and just flow like a calm, silent river in the direction it was rightly supposed to flow.
It all makes sense in the end, just like a puzzle, one day all the pieces will come together. It is the path to transformation, the yearning and the eagerness that keeps us going towards the light that reveals itself in all it's glory, someday, somehow and then, life is never the same. (that is what the all say)
I wish what they say is true. That all this does have a meaning in the bigger, bigger picture that one day I will rise above and look down upon. And smile.
Till then, I am this spiritual being who is just not getting the right food to fed a hungry soul that lives behind the shadows of the person I pretend to be.
You, my eternal self, I hope we meet soon.
And I am back with full gusto and so much more to write...
Until then, on this spiritual journey, stay with me readers.
XX
