That plain vanilla laughter...

Flying can be a hard task, especially when you don’t know how to land.

They say child is the father of man and a child today is teaching me more about life than anyone ever could.

Watching my one year old nephew giggle uncontrollably at nothing makes me wonder when was the last time I or anyone I know did that.

I miss plain vanilla laughter.

The one in which you laugh from your stomach, you can’t breathe and you feel the laughter will kill you.
The kind where every inch of your body laughs and you become all pink and purple.

Its not that we don’t laugh or have occasional fits of uncontrollable laughter, we just wait for reasons and instances to do that.

Most people I know and I included wait for opportunities to be happy. We live from weekend to weekend, holiday to holiday. We wait for the promotion, the hot date, the birthday, the breakup (reasons to get drunk and make a fool of your self) to FEEL.

So Rey walks around without a care in the world, smiling to himself and pleased by accomplishments like climbing a stair, shooing away an uninformed pigeon. And he’s happy.

There are times I watch him and I pray to myself that he sees an adulthood that’s perfect in everyway.
An adulthood that lets his innocence be a part of everything he does.

Adulthood used to be a milestone that we all couldn’t wait to cross. Our entry into the big, bad world. The big, bad world that we didn’t know at that time was actually a big, bad world.

ALONE

Masks

Jiska bhi chehra chila, andar se aur nikla......

Things that fit and things that dont!

Like every other person I know including the anorexic variety I too cannot sustain a ten minute conversation without talking about my or the other persons weight.
The conversation varies –

“How thin/fat (the expression of surprise is the same of course!) This top makes you look!”
“We shouldn’t eat this, look at the amount of cheese”
“I am going to start exercising tomorrow”
“OK, last time and then I’m on a diet”
“Look at her, how she can eat so much and be so thin!”
“I just haven’t found the right exercise for me”

Despite the same drab conversations day in and day out I have never really fretted about my weight. I just fantasize about how I used to look three years ago. I also earn enough to keep changing my wardrobe every six months. So I adapt.

Or so I thought.

Two years ago on New Years Eve in an expensive satin plunging neckline number I was congratulated on being pregnant. I thought empire necklines were for us, the ones who suddenly, out of the blue developed things called love handles.
Things that the boyfriend called something to hold and the friend called the onset of an era that has no return.
I didn’t know how to react to the drunk thirty something slob on calling me pregnant. I swore never to wear that dress again. Or anything that spelled empire line.

I was wrong of course, half of the clothes in my wardrobe are now empire line. The things called love handles have only increased and well, weren’t empire lines invented for fat pregnant women?

I was adapting. Changing and accepting till a couple of days back when I went to buy jeans.

Have I ever mentioned how difficult it is for Indian women to find a pair of jeans?
Do the jeans makers realize that Indian women are like amoeba? They change shape depending on age, clothes, time of the day and region (ever wondered why the north easterners are so bloody thin and us punjus are well…. Whatever!!)

So I browse through 15 shops on hill road and there is NOTHING in any one of those 15 stores that can fit a normal Indian woman.
The ones that are thin till the waist and then God just moved on to the next one and forgot to finish the remaining part.
What do these ones do???

I don’t know how to adapt anymore! People have started shying and calling me,-
‘Healthy and happy’ and started saying, “just don’t put on anymore weight, you’re perfect”.

I can’t change when the stores are flooded with skinny jeans meant for non existent anorexic women or very fat aunties who don’t have mirrors in their homes.

I can’t accept that I have crossed the thin line between thin and healthy. The very thin line that defines our daily lives, whether the day will be happy or sad, whether we will feel good or crappy.

Disappointed I sit in a rickshaw and go to linking road.
This street loves me. This street has shoe shops.
Shoes are loyal. They love me. They never make me feel crappy about eating that chocolate pastry.
They don’t want me to change, accept and adapt.
Shoes just fit.
Shoes let me indulge.
Shoes are my best friends; they are always there to tell me that despite what happens to my waist size, they will never change size.

And suddenly everything just seems better.

A couple of more reasons for ‘why I love Bombay’

•It gives me the MY feeling though I know it’s NOT mine.

•The party never ends even on a working day.

•Finding your kind of people is just so easy.

•At three in the morning the cab guy waits while you order and eat your kathi roll.

For more reasons look here

Abstract figure

Crossroads : eperimenting with textures

Impish bloody time.

Time is a great healer. How many times have we heard that cliché before?

Does time heal or does it just displace the hurt from the top of the pyramid to deep down below to a place that you don’t reach to often but what makes you stand strong and solid?

What it does give you is a sense of achievement over your own mundane battles that you try to fight each and every day. But that doesn’t mean the scars and wounds vanish?

Time is so impish. Playing games with us all the time.

Time makes us what they call indifferent and what we call numb.

And then, life happens.

colours....

love letter -17 - when 'i love you is not enough' (yes, she writes happy love letters too !!!)

I have tried to write a ‘love’ letter to you so many times, I start and after two lines everything seems clichéd everything seems less of what I would want to say to you.

What do you tell a person you love other than ‘I love you’? And what do you do when those three words fall short of what you really what to say?

You didn’t come into my life and sweep me off my feet. That was done by someone else. Someone who slipped and fell as swiftly as I caught my balance!
You however crept in slowly and quietly into my mind and secretly started stealing piece by piece... conversation by conversation, my heart.

You came into my life with a sly smile and twisted eyebrows, three lines of frowns defining your authority over everything you owned. The three lines that so often form when you are thinking or driving or just watching, me.

You have made me happy and you have made me cry. You have made me dance with joy and even made me sad. You have made me realise that I am capable of infinite amounts of love.

If I can’t tell you that every time I see you, my heart melts and at that exact moment there is only me and you in the world. And if I can’t tell you that when you’re not around, all I do is think of you and miss you but at the same time I know you are there with me for ever and ever.

What do I tell you if I can’t tell you ‘I love you’?

TO BE CONTINUED....

Kaminey

The song Kaminey is one of the best pieces of poetry I have heard in a long time.
it captures the essence of life so beautifully and in my favorite expression of life - Ironically !!!
The irony is ingrained in every word, how we live so selfishly and yet we chose to ignore it.
how we take everything in life for granted and keep wanting more from it.

Gulzar is at his best, he just gets better with age..!

Every time I listen to this song, I think of these lines ---

kaun rota hai kisi aur ki khatir? sab ko apni hi kisi baat pe rona aaya....

The song kaminey -

Kya karen zindigi, isko hum jo mile,
Iski jaan kha gaye, raat dil ke gile,
Meri aarzo kamini
Mere khwab bhi kaminey
Ek dil se dosti thi, yeh huzur bhi kaminey.

Kabhi zindigi se manga pinjre mein chand la do,
Kabhi laltern de ke kaha aasman pe tango
Jeene ke sab karine the hamesha se kaminey
Meri dastan kamini
Mere raste kaminey
Ek dil se dosti thi, yeh huzur bhi kaminey.

Jiska bhi chehra chila andar se aur nikla
Masoom sa kabootar na chat mor nikla
Kabhi hum kaminey nikle kabhi dosre kaminey
Meri dosti kamini
Mere yaar bhi kaminey
Ek dil se dosti thi, yeh huzur bhi kaminey.

Concentration

Dont leave home..

Oh how quiet, quiet the world can be
When it's just you and little me
Everything is clear and everything is new
So you won't be leaving will you?

Us. Love letter 16

I don’t know where I lost you, somewhere along the way. When did your hand slip out of mine?

I sit here watching the silence that grows deeper as something inside me hurts and dampens every corner of my heart.

I watch us, hung on tender hooks on dark, soiled walls. Fading slowly like old paintings, unclear smiling faces and blurred magic.

As I stare at you gazing into emptiness, a world you forbid me to enter. I struggle to keep alive all I have left of you, memories that are just mine, and mine to keep.

I remember times when you dropped by just without notice, the way it felt when our fingers touched for the first time. I can’t forget the way you stared at me with those eyes and only we knew what it meant.
Times when you remembered what I liked, what I didn’t and did just that. When you were there every time I needed you, I didn’t need to say a thing.

Where are you now?
Where are we?

Lost amongst a million reasons and rationales, in a sea of wordless contact of infinite emotions.
I see you standing there and you see me.
Static and still.

Passion - Lost in the complexity

Loss - the answers

Sometimes we feel an immense sense of loss. You feel that everything you have or can have is getting lost in the sands of time and space.
I asked myself, and these are the answers my soul gave to me.

What is mine and what is not?

Yours is nothing. You own nothing. You can only try to own what you feel. And you can feel love.

What am I going to take from here?

You take nothing, as you own nothing. There is nothing and no one you can hold on too except for yourself.

What do I do then? I am confused.

All you can strive to do is seek love, seek happiness. Hold it within yourself and spread it as far as you can. Happiness has a way of expanding; sorrow however only nibbles your soul slowly till you are crippled.

Loss

श्याम की भीनी खुशबू जो आई, एक नज़र पड़ी अपने हाथों पे
धीरे धीरे उनके बीच से निकल के गिर रहे थे, सारे सपने, सारी आशाएं. हलके हलके, टपक टपक.

हाथ खोले तो देखा,उनके बीच में कुछ नहीं था,पन्ने की तरह साफ़, मुझको टाक रहे थे.

पुछा मैंने उस खुदा से
कहाँ गया सब?
कहाँ खो दिया मैंने उसे
क्यों नहीं है अब कुछ मेरे पास?

हँस के बोला वो
किस पे रोंती है तू?

तेरा कभी कुछ था ही कहाँ?

So it is...

And so it is,
Just like it should be,
Goodbye, for now.

And so it is,
I’m still standing in the rain,
Watching you disappear
Into the thick mist,
Just like it had to be,
Goodbye, for now.

And so it is,
Alone in the night,
Singing the saga,
Of unrequited love,
Just like it would be,
Goodbye, for now.

Complexity

Can I open the doors to the perplexity,confusion,complexity.... the spirals of your mind?
Painted this today with a little inspiration from the internet. :-)

So. A love letter of sorts!

So swiftly she falls from the fenced corners of reason, deep into his arms.

So easily he picks her up from the depths of insanity, they might be on the verge of.

So smoothly they engulf each other as if they were one forever, broken up unnaturally.

So simply they talk, never with words, in a language they have invented.

So effortlessly they let loose, holding on though through invisible cords.

So eternally they live, amidst their own jigsaw puzzles. Yet always fitting together.

LL - 14 (the story of love letter # 2 continues)

Let’s forget what is and what is not.
Today, let’s not reason and explain.
Let us, bare all today.
Our thoughts starkly naked,
Today let passion lead the way.

Let’s forget what tomorrow might bring,
Today let us revel in pleasures infinite.
Let us, discover each other
Today in a whole new light.

Games - LL - 13

Don’t hide; I might not be able to find you. Why do you love playing this game, when you like changing your hiding place? I count and count and run to seek, Every time it’s a blank wall that I meet.

Life spins the bottle; you are as always, truthful, open and bare. I’m shy and timid and I don’t dare. I don’t dare to tell you, how I feel. You, blatantly honest, play fair.

I don’t want to play scramble anymore, where each letter is twisted and turned, where what we say is not what we mean. Where what we mean is often unheard.

As I sit here, waiting for something to happen.

Something to change and something to tickle the stillness around me, I wonder where and how the games we try to play have started playing me.

The eternal day-break

The placid river sits,
Silently as we stare,
Into the morning sun,
Rising unaware.

Fleets of humming birds,
Arise to a new day,
Soar into blue sheets,
Far far away.

The gentle breeze,
Caresses the dewy grass,
Naively swaying,
When through it we pass.

Time stands still,
For a moment, eternally.
My love, if this means forever,
Then let it just be.

I love everything Chinese!!!!!

Finally managed to do something with my coloured Ikea frames. Chinese symbols have always fascinated me. There is a lot of depth and mystery in them.
I took eight symbols that mean something to me and drew them -

Self Respect - That which I have ingrained in my blood!!
Faith - My faith in everything and everyone I believe in.
Angels - All of them, the invisible and the visible ones..
Lily - My favorite flower, my happy flower.
Friendship - Without which my world wouldn't be complete.
Forever - Because that is the most alluring concept of our existence.
Mystery - For all the mystery tomorrow holds,for what we live..
Love - Without which I wouldn't be complete.

Something’s make me happy, and something’s sad.

The HC decimalizes homosexuality!

Considering there are an estimated 70 million homosexuals in this country, considering that this is the country where AIDS is highly prevalent, considering that this is the country where gay sex is actually quite embedded in the culture and nevertheless considering we are a bunch of hypocritical, conceited, self righteous sheep. This is certainly a step towards evolving.

A priest on national television claims that gay sex is ‘unnatural’. Religion (especially Islam) condemns gay sex; other religions like Christianity are doing a favour by accepting them with respect. And to top it all, children from broken homes/single parents are likely to turn home sexual.

I am appalled at this man. Who decides what is natural and what is not? For a homosexual it is natural to love someone from the same sex. That is what his/her mind believes and knows is right. Anything else for them is unnatural. How does religion decide what is right? Religion after all is made by the society, for the society. It has no right to dictate a person’s sexual preferences. Why does a certain religion need to ‘accept’ another person? Aren’t we are all God’s children. I thought that’s what all religions propogated.

It is sad that in our country eunuchs are worshipped and ridiculed at the same time, Men can roam around holding hands (which other country would just let that pass by as ‘friendship’) and that is certainly the need for human touch that goes unfulfilled because if god forbid a man held a woman’s hand, he would be behind bars. Khujarao has sex all over its temples but using the word is taboo. The population booms, but we don’t accept that well, people have sex. Religion is politicised for everything – sex, money, power.

But it makes me happy that amidst all this there are some rays of home. Today is a happy day.

I am also happy for all the kids who are now hopefully going to have the choice to give their 10th board exams. I remember the kind of torture we went through. It was a nightmare, all the pressure and all the competition. I was a conscientious student and that is worse. You are forever worrying about the result and never learning anything truly. I don’t think I remember much of what I studied for my boards.
I have after all these years realised that education was crap. What I have learnt outside of my school and college while I was trying to get decent grades is what has educated me.

I didn’t need to know algebra to know how to stand up for myself at my work place or solve mysteries of nature and life. That my friend, life has taught me after a lot of failures and bad grades.

And I am still struggling.

From the list of things that make me sad are sad (read ‘losers’) people. And the fact that these losers are the ones who ass lick and work their way up in life. They nod to everything that comes their way.

You are awesome! – Nod
You are a fucking asshole! - Nod
Will you do this? – Nod
Will you not do this? – Nod
You idiot don’t you have a fucking spine? – confused up down, right left nod

Alas, the losers sadly end up taking the fatter pay cheques, the medals and the stars home. Idiots, like us crib, bitch and get home and sleep peacefully.

Something’s are happy and something’s are sad. Today was a happy sad day. I like being selflessly happy because of things I believe in being implemented around me.

I like today! : -)

Jo ho so ho....

I am bemused, mystified and dazzled all over again by Abida Parveen. Her songs, the poetry and her voice.

This one I have heard a million times and each time it relates to me in a different way.

Jo ho so ho.....

Apne aas paas dekh, zindagi har pal tumse yahi keh rahi hai..
Aaj thoda sa to jee le, jo ho so ho.


Check out the song here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XqPlIdUQUbM And the lyrics below –

Ishq mein tere kohe gham
Sar pe liya, jo ho so ho,
Aish o nishate zindagi,
Chhor diya, jo ho so ho.
Ishq mein tere kohe gham.
Aqal ke madrase se uth,
Ishq ke mae-kade mein aa,
Jame fana o bekhudi,
Ab to piya, jo ho so ho.
Ishq mein tere kohe gham.
Hijr ki jo museebatein,
Arz ki uske rouh-barouh,
Naz o eda se muskura,
Kehne lega, jo ho so ho
Ishq mein tere kohe gham.
Hasti ke is saraab mein,
raat ke raat bass rahe,
Subhe adam huwa namood,
Paon utha, jo ho so ho.
Ishq mein tere kohe gham,
Jame fana o bekhudi,
Ab to piya, jo ho so ho.

Love letters - 12 (memory)

I don’t know you yet. Though there are times when I feel I know you. When I know what you will do next, what you will say, how you will say it.

There are those one in a million moments when I know that there is something bothering you, you have that frown, on the insides of your forehead that appears in your eyes. You are disturbed and you will not talk.

And then those flashes when in the middle of a conversation with people, our eyes meet for a split second that lasts a lifetime. And, everything is said. I know you are bored, I know you want to get out of there; probably you don’t even need me around.

There will be a time soon when we will start completing each other’s sentences. When I will not need to talk, and you will not need to pretend. We will communicate through silence. Through sighs and groans, through smiles and the raising and non raising of eyebrows.

I can feel it approaching.

And then when we are not around each other, we will linger in thoughts and silence. As if, it was always like this.

We will become a part of each other’s memory we might visit.

Memories fade. That scares me.

I don’t want you to fade....

Always,

Me

The eternality of eternalness

"what is it? My dear?"

"Ah, how can we bear it?"

"Bear what?"

"This. For so short a time. How can we sleep this time away?"

"We can be quiet together, and pretend - since it is only the beginning - that we have all the time in the world."

"And every day we shall have less. And then none."

"Would you rather, therefore, have nothing at all?"

"No. This is where I have always been coming to. Since my time began. And when I go away from here, this will be the mid-point, to which everything ran, before and from which everything will run.
But now, my love, we are here, we are now, and those other times are running elsewhere."


- A.S.Byatt, possession
(The time travelers wife)

ruk

हर तरफ हर जगह
फुदकता
घुमता
कभी मचलता
कभी बस कुछ पल ठहरता
कभी हल्का सा
कभी बहुत थक कर
एक भारीपन से रुक जाता
थोडा सा समझता
बहुत कुछ पूछता
एक मंज़र एक राह ढूंढता
चल पड़ा है किस गली किस डगर
न जानता न कोई इससे पहचानता
अपने रास्ते खुद चुनने
निकल पड़ा है यह
कहीं मुझसे आगे न निकल जाए
मेरे मन्न.. एक पल तोह ठहर जा

Soulmates-- or not? - love letter 11

Faraway in-between constellations of twinkling things,
Twisted and turned by endless eras of being,
Resides a me and dwells a you.
A ball of white, shinning and pretty we make,
Entwined in startling energy,
Engulfed into one another,
Bound by particles and molecules,
Pristine and unadulterated.

Unaware of a place remote
Where there is me and you.
Oblivious to each other,
In the humdrums of life,
Struggling to understand,
The deep questions that surround us.

Ignorant to the magic,
That binds us together in some distant universe
And leaves trails in this one...
Sparkling stardust
Powder white
Glitter confetti

Every time we pass by each other in the sea of millions

Everytime...

Numb. - Love letters -10

I wonder if this was meant to be so ephemeral. As I walk into a room full of strangers and catch your glance. I am numb.
I want to feel something but I am numb.
There is a part of me that wants to unlock, unravel something that’s somewhere deep in my heart.
There is another part that wants to scrape patches of harsh, brown wounds that are raw inside.
There is also a part of me that wants a jolt, wants to wake up from deep slumber.
Each part of me wants to feel.
Yet I am numb.

I have forgotten, I am forgetting.
As each moment passes swiftly,
Dreams, smiles, and tears.

I want to relive. Just for a moment, the intensity of the pain.
I am numb.

Transient it is, the beauty and malice of love.
Truth, a flash before my eyes,
Reality, not of what is. But what always has been.
Forever is just a concept.
Forever is eternally ephemeral.

I am numb.
Probably forever..

Is this the way to be??!! Love letter - 9

No notice, no announcement
Tiptoeing slowly into the mundaneness of my life,
Is this the way to be?

Dropping me into the web of cross connections,
In-between right and wrong, reality and fantasy
Is this the way to be?

Hearing what I never say. Talking without words,
Touching with just your eyes,
Is this the way to be?

Let it be .....

Flowing like the soft river
Calm and slow
No reason, no rationale
Unspoken, unaware
Touching the periphery of justification
But never overflowing

Let it be....

The world as I see it - an essay by Albert Einstein.

"How strange is the lot of us mortals! Each of us is here for a brief sojourn; for what purpose he knows not, though he sometimes thinks he senses it. But without deeper reflection one knows from daily life that one exists for other people -- first of all for those upon whose smiles and well-being our own happiness is wholly dependent, and then for the many, unknown to us, to whose destinies we are bound by the ties of sympathy. A hundred times every day I remind myself that my inner and outer life are based on the labors of other men, living and dead, and that I must exert myself in order to give in the same measure as I have received and am still receiving...

"I have never looked upon ease and happiness as ends in themselves -- this critical basis I call the ideal of a pigsty. The ideals that have lighted my way, and time after time have given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been Kindness, Beauty, and Truth. Without the sense of kinship with men of like mind, without the occupation with the objective world, the eternally unattainable in the field of art and scientific endeavors, life would have seemed empty to me. The trite objects of human efforts -- possessions, outward success, luxury -- have always seemed to me contemptible.

"My passionate sense of social justice and social responsibility has always contrasted oddly with my pronounced lack of need for direct contact with other human beings and human communities. I am truly a 'lone traveler' and have never belonged to my country, my home, my friends, or even my immediate family, with my whole heart; in the face of all these ties, I have never lost a sense of distance and a need for solitude..."
"My political ideal is democracy. Let every man be respected as an individual and no man idolized. It is an irony of fate that I myself have been the recipient of excessive admiration and reverence from my fellow-beings, through no fault, and no merit, of my own. The cause of this may well be the desire, unattainable for many, to understand the few ideas to which I have with my feeble powers attained through ceaseless struggle. I am quite aware that for any organization to reach its goals, one man must do the thinking and directing and generally bear the responsibility. But the led must not be coerced, they must be able to choose their leader. In my opinion, an autocratic system of coercion soon degenerates; force attracts men of low morality... The really valuable thing in the pageant of human life seems to me not the political state, but the creative, sentient individual, the personality; it alone creates the noble and the sublime, while the herd as such remains dull in thought and dull in feeling.

"This topic brings me to that worst outcrop of herd life, the military system, which I abhor... This plague-spot of civilization ought to be abolished with all possible speed. Heroism on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!

"The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of true art and true science. Whoever does not know it and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead, and his eyes are dimmed. It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion. A knowledge of the existence of something we cannot penetrate, our perceptions of the profoundest reason and the most radiant beauty, which only in their most primitive forms are accessible to our minds: it is this knowledge and this emotion that constitute true religiosity. In this sense, and only this sense, I am a deeply religious man... I am satisfied with the mystery of life's eternity and with a knowledge, a sense, of the marvelous structure of existence -- as well as the humble attempt to understand even a tiny portion of the Reason that manifests itself in nature."

Albert Einstein

Irrevocable

It’s something I can’t contain. Not any longer for sure.

In midst of multitudes and magnitudes of emotions that sway me furiously,

From sensibility to insanity,

From reason to disbelief,

I can’t help but fall.

Reasons, Seasons and Lifetimes

They say people come into our life for reasons, seasons or lifetimes.

At what point do you know for which exact purpose they have come into your life?

Most of the times it’s when they go away or move into the periphery is when you realise their sole purpose for walking with you the miles they did.

I have had people come and go, some have moved to the corners of my life standing as pillars to keep my sanity intact. They hardly meet, hardly come to the centre to crowd me, they are just there holding on to themselves and me. Some have been the centre of attraction for a bit and melted soon enough. There have been some who walked in and out like a whirlwind.

They are the ones who have taught me the most.

I love these lyrics by Green Day -

"Another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.
It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life."

Every now and then you reach a turning point in your life when you need to let go of the past, hold on to something new and move on. That’s life, and the sooner you accept it the happier you are!

I’ve learnt some lessons through time –

People come and go. Nothing and no one lasts forever. What lasts is what you felt for them. What is left are memories that are yours and only yours.
What is important is the time you spend being happy with them. Time spent not worrying about the future but cherishing moments that might never come again.
We only live a number of weekends, a fewer years ... think about it, it isn’t that much.

I have learnt that loving yourself is the greatest gift you can give yourself. (I might sound a tad bit narcissistic here) But believe me, it’s the greatest favour you can do to yourself. No one can or will dare to strip your vulnerability and leave it to crumble. I have been there and it’s not a nice place. The moment I decided to love myself more than anyone or anything, nothing and no one has come close to making me feel angry, vulnerable or defenceless.

I have learnt to give unconditionally and completely to everything and everyone I love for whatever time they are in my sphere.

I have learnt to let go.

I have learnt that there is something around me, God or whatever we may call it that protects me. It makes me learn lessons time and time again until they are embedded so deep in my heart that they force me to change for the better.

I have learnt to say more I love you’s, more thank you’s and even more sorry’s.

I have learnt that regret is not something I want live with.

I have learnt that today is a happy day. Today I am alive. Today will never come back. The people in my today might be gone in my tomorrow.

“So take the photographs
and still frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf
In good health and good time.
Tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial.
For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.
It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.”

Every day I live a reason, a season and a lifetime simultaneously. I have come to love that about being here and living this life.

I am having the time of my life!

I hope you are too!

: )
Aanchal

Irrevocably - irrationally - unconditionally

"I need to learn how to accept the certainty in everything that’s uncertain and the uncertainty in everything certain.

Then maybe I’ll be able to live content."

Love Letter # 8 - GoodBye.

So it’s goodbye.
The last straw drawn,
The last card dealt,
The hollow creeps slowly
Into the crevices of a muddled mind,
Uncertainly clear of thoughts rampant .

So it’s goodbye.
It’s time to walk away,
It’s time to forget,
Words enticed by actions lost
In futures,
Some lifetime away.

So it’s goodbye.
A moment forgotten
A memory lapsed
Misplaced and misjudged
In a past
Not so far ago.

Ten Rules for Being Human - Very interesting!

Ten Rules for Being Human

by Cherie Carter-Scott

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life."

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."

4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.

6. "There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."

7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. You will forget all this.

Love letters # 7

The crescendo of our story,
Ends before it even begins..
I’m standing here to hear you,
Talk, scream or emote.
Are you just going to let me walk away?

I’m falling apart,
From you and within.
Catch me before I take the plunge,
Hold me before I embark
On our journey alone.

Me

Love letters # 6

It’s like words come till my gut and stop. Actions that I’d rather do are manipulated by the way the circumstances are moving.
I am not sure what will pierce you and what will not. What will slowly drip down your yr veins and enter your heart.
I don’t know if this is a way of living, to stop yourself from feeling.
Open the doors, it’s ok. I won’t barge and I won’t hurt.
I will enter and slowly shut them to the world and to a reality that refuses to let us be.
It will be us and only us, non measurable and unaccounted.
We will live each moment as if it were the last, we will carry memories through the time we are alive.
All we do today is let moments pass, unsure and unable to be true to them.
It’s ok to let go my love, it’s ok to love.
Can we just forget everything and remember LOVE?

Always,
Me

Love letters # 5

Sweetheart,

You know I mean it even when I don’t say I love you.
I sometimes don’t know how to put these words into shapes and actions.
I’m clumsy you know, I forget to remind you.
I hope you understand.

Always,
Me


Love,

Every time you walk through that door and your eyes search for me, I know you love me.
Each time you are clumsy and try to make up for it, I know you love me.
I just pretend not to know.
I hope you understand.

Forever,
Me

Love Letters # 4 - MOM

Happy Mother’s day to all the beautiful, adorable moms out there!! We love you so much! We just don’t say it often.

Dearest mom,

When I was a little girl the one thing that enamoured me were these pair of white stilettos that you owned. Every time you were out, I would secretly wear them and pretend to walk the catwalk.

I would pretend to be an adult and make conversation with myself in front of the mirror.

Throughout my childhood I thought that I could quite literally fit into your shoes and be you.

I grew up and realised that it’s a tough job being you. Could I ever be that giving, loving and forgiving? Could I ever match up to your sensitivities and talents?
You pushed me to be my own person but all I wanted to be was a reflection of you.
An unfortunate accident happened and I realised that you were nothing but human. You were my super mom who did hurt and who did have problems. Problems we always choose to overlook. (Moms don’t have problems now, do they?)

In that one month we switched roles. It was reinventing our relationship. You were vulnerable and for the first time in my life I had to be strong for you. I had to be a shoulder to lean on.

Suddenly without a call or notice, I had stepped into your shoes.

I learnt more about life in that one month than I have probably learnt in the past ten years.

Through your time of trouble you didn’t forget to teach me one of life’s greatest lessons.

You taught me that love has no boundaries, love needs patience and love always prevails.

When I took over as your mom, I could only wonder where all that patience came from? Where did you dig all that compassion, all that love?

Thank you mom for being you.
For teaching us the simple yet important things of life,
For never stopping us from trying, doing or experimenting anything we wanted.
Thank you mom for late night and early morning conversations.
For letting me sob for no rhyme or reason, just because I wanted to.
Thank you for being the best friend I could ever have.

I love you mom.

Happy mother’s day.

Always,
ME

P.S People its mothers day on the 10th of this month, don't forget to tell her you love her!

love letters # 3 - Thers no such place as far away.

Yesterday, while we watched the sunset and hoards of birds cloud the sky.
I fell in love.
Just like that.
We were both so quiet, lost in our own thoughts. I wondered who you were thinking about...
An ex-love maybe. I was so afraid to ask.
Our fingers were entwined and our eyes were busy making shapes out of clouds muffled in the reds and oranges of the evening sky.
At times I heard our hearts beat in unison like it was meant to be.
Did I skip a beat somewhere? Did you notice?
We sat there for hours while the moon rose and illuminated a milky sky.
Quiet and serene.
It was late and you had to leave. Perhaps forever.
“In the end, we all come back home” you said.
“Soon” I replied.
And just like that you were gone to a place far far away.

Always,
Me
P.S: Did I forget to mention, I love you.

Love letters # 2

Let’s take a small walk today,
In the backyard we don’t visit anymore.
Let’s not be lonely, let’s not be strangers.

Let’s wake up on the same side of the bed today.
Encircled and entangled.
Let’s sip our coffee and exchange fleeting, forgotten glances.
Today, just let our eyes talk.

Always,

Me

Love letters # 1 - Release

You wouldn’t hear him today even if he spoke right into your ears, the randomness of his thoughts.
The subjectivity of reasoning to your own convenience wraps your soul in layers uncountable.
You wouldn’t feel it today if his toes touched yours, the uncertainty of his touch.
The wall you built to protect yourself shields you from a passion lying dormant.

You are blinded by tears you cried at your own failures,
The ones you use as a measure for what lies in the Pandora’s Box.
I’ve been inside and it’s full of hopes, fears, risks and irrationality.
It’s the Mecca of senselessness and absurdity.
Raw, unrefined and crude,
Full of surprises, heartbreaks & passion,
Unconventionally beautiful.

What stops you to unlock and peep?
To soak in and savour...
The saneness in irrationality,
The logic in everything you considered illogical,
The safety in the risks you wouldn’t take.

You wouldn’t smell the lilies today, the ones he kept at your window sill,
Your senses blocked by your mind, a machine programmed not to act on impulse.

He silently walks away, leaving the key behind
Someday, maybe someday
You will unlock the Pandora’s Box.
With a different key, a different lock, a different 'him'.

The measure of love - Paulo C from the warrior of light

“I have always wanted to know if I was able to love like you do,” said the disciple of a Hindu master.

“There is nothing beyond love,” answered the master. “It’s love that keeps the world going round and the stars hanging in the sky.”

“I know all that. But how can I know if my love is great enough?”

“Try to find out if you abandon yourself to love or if you flee from your emotions. But don’t ask questions like that because love is neither great nor small. You can’t measure a feeling like you measure a road: if you act like that you will see only your reflection, like the moon in a lake, but you won’t be following your path.”

- The warrior of light newsletter

Time confuses me.....

Do you know that feeling when you feel that light years have passed and you see everything zip past you, then you look down and see that you haven't moved and inch?

When everything you need and want is at an arms distance but you just cant stretch enough.

The feeling you get when you read a milestone that says 10 km but it takes an hour to cover that distance?

Do you know anticipation, curiosity, eagerness?

I am waiting patiently, trying to enjoy the ride to my 10 km destination, I can see the lights twinkle on the horizon, I know I'll be there soon.

I just don't know how long it will be before the patience breaks, before I start running towards the lights, just to touch them. Just this one time.

Tuesday afternoon musings

I have been listening to ghazals all day today and there is one that I absolutely love.

Here are a couple of lines from it..

वो नए गिले वो शिकायते. वो मज़े मज़े की हिकायते
वो हर एक बात पे रूठना
तुम्हे याद हो, के न याद हो

वो जो हम में तुम में करार था
तुम्हे याद हो न याद हो.

You can listen to it here (this is not the version I have, but is nice too)

Big memories, one small suitcase . Dubai musings - part 3

How do you package happiness into small cubes and fit them into a jar? Perhaps like a can of sardines.

How do you save love in the corners of your mind, to use later when it refuses to listen to the heart?

How do you dwell permanently within the innocence you return to after a long period of hopeless remorse?

I have been battling with these questions since a long time. The idea of a holiday was to sort my mind, find answers, and take a break from a life that was squeezing all my energies and reasons to believe in everything.

I didn’t do anything I planned to do - I didn’t read, I didn’t catch up with music or movies, I didn’t write as much as I would have wanted to, I didn’t meet half of the people I planned too, I didn’t even make it to the dessert safari.

But - I ate, I built a tower of overpowering happiness, I got pampered, I made new friends, I ate ice cream for breakfast, Sushi for lunch, I got thrown into mid air a hundred and fifty feet above the ground, I connected with the most integral part of my life - my family, my brother.

Unaware, I found answers. I didn't need to read or write. I just experienced.

I take a lot back with me.... And I leave an equal number behind.

1)I leave behind guilt. Guilt that had slowly crept inside, guilt that had steadily eaten my peace of mind.
Guilt about eating too much, guilt about loving too much, guilt about making people unhappy, sometimes making them too happy, guilt about not doing what I should be doing.
I leave guilt to rest in peace.
I cleanse and purify my soul and take it back with me.
I take back the belief that it’s ok to be a glutton sometimes, if it makes me happy. It’s ok to have enough love to share and give, it’s ok to not like someone and not pretend to do so. It’s ok to stop doing something you don’t like. It’s ok to take the risk to do something you actually like.

2)I leave behind hatred. I leave behind vengeance.

I have felt hate and I have been vengeful. But when you see a child innocently smiling at you, just because you smiled at them you realize that love is all there is.
Love is all there can be, and love is all there always will be.

3)I leave behind a person who is scared, who is unwilling to realize her own dreams.

I take with me a person who is as fearless as scared.

4)I leave behind selfishness

I take with me bonds and ties stronger than ever. I take with me feelings that I never felt. Feeling of Love and hope that you feel with the people you are connected with through existence.

5) I leave behind confusion

I take with me simple answers to complicated questions -
• How do you package happiness into small cubes and fit them into a jar? Perhaps like a can of sardines?

You live, enjoy, cherish each moment. You close your eyes and take a snapshot of every moment.

• How do you save love in the corners of your mind, to use later when it refuses to listen to the head?

You accept that love never fades, it changes form and when needed it takes the form you want. You understand that loved ones never go anywhere, they just get busy.
You love from the bottom of your heart, unconditionally everyone and everything you meet and see.

• How do you dwell permanently within the innocence you return to after a long period of hopeless remorse?

You let yourself be. You don’t force your soul to become something it is not. You understand that you are innocent and unique and always will be. No one can take away your soul from you; nothing can take away your purity.


I remember a day before I applied for the visa, I didn’t want to make this trip. I didn’t want to spend money. And my wise mother told me, “go and be reckless”.

Why are mothers always right? Why do they know everything before it even happens? It baffles me how they can know what you need most and when you need it most, maybe it’s a chocolate cake or soul soothing khichdi or just a hug.

I am glad I listen to my mother (sometimes) I am so glad I made this trip.

I can’t thank Anubhav enough for pampering me (something I always wanted him to do) and giving me my best holiday ever.

I’m packing and stuffing my small suitcase with a million memories, friends and experiences.

Somehow, it looks like a carton of sardines!

Dubai Musings – part 2

It has been seven days? Feels like forever. I have been soaking in each moment to the maximum that I can squeeze out of it.

The day seems longer, even though it begins at midday.

By now I have almost seen most of Dubai, I can claim I have done all the touristy things! Most of them have been done with a twist, like a cruise down the Dubai creek with the whole arba to ourselves. (Now there is a lot money can do anywhere in the world).

I believe it is best to behave like the locals when you are travelling. So I haven’t taken many pictures.
I feel I have always been here.

Have I mentioned Irish Village earlier? It now ranks number one on my favourite places list.
Amazing food, live music, open air and lots of beer. Anyone visiting Dubai must go there. It’s warm, homely and you will end up finding your kind there.

Oh ya, I did shop. I stuck to a budget and within that I bought 3 things. Moral of the story is that only when I’m ultra rich (or have not spent 40k on a new laptop the same month) is when I will come and shop in Dubai.
Its way to expensive when half the things are available at cotton on in Bombay!
So, I went into all the good stores, tried on the best clothes, admired myself in the fitting room mirror, felt happy and got out.

I am still obsessed with fruit yogurt and cherry is now my current hot favourite! I have to have one every morning.
I am not worrying about the calories, I cant. Food involves either steaks, icecreams or burgers.
Its just not my fault!!!

I have been living on Belgian chocolate at home and everyday having a huge Sunday at the Marble Slab Creamery or the Cold Slab Creamery.
Your mouth cant help but water when they beat the icecream on the marble slabs and mix it with all the things you can think of – m&m’s, choco chips, mars bars, nuts, fruits.
It is heaven on earth.

I have three days to live before its back to the grind. (more on that later)
An Ikea visit, perfume shopping and the Safari is pending.....
More of which will be in part 3 of Dubai Musings......

one step at a time

Left
Right
Left
One step at a time
Look here and there
Soak
Let it seep
Be a sponge
Full and heavy
Capture
In your senses
Music
Beauty
Taste
Make memories
To look back
To savour
Just one step at a time.

Dubai Musings - Part 1

They say - when you are in love then everything seems perfect. I say, when you are happy then everyday and everything seems perfect forever.
You are happy when you are in love with yourself.

I had written about how I am going to start living and took a pledge to do that.

I have to admit, it’s the best thing you can do for yourself.
To start with, I did two things this month that I always wanted to do but never got down to doing them.

I bought my new laptop and I am traveling abroad. Finally!

I am having the best and probably the most memorable holiday, not because I am in a different country but because I am free of anything that holds me back.

I am mending, building and cherishing relationships. I am giving myself time to ‘not think’. I am doing new and interesting things every day.
Life couldn’t get better.

I don’t know how much I like Dubai, it’s kind of fake. There is too much to swallow, too much to handle.

There are something’s that I have fallen in love with about this place though. Listing them below –

•It is so clean!!! Despite the dust, sand and construction, the buildings are clean. The walls are clean.

•I love the petrol pumps. I love any place that can accommodate a Mc Donalds, Subway, Burger King and a Chinese restaurant along with a supermarket besides fuel and gas.

•The roads are beautiful, lined with the most beautiful flowers. You never see anyone gardening so I wonder when and how do they take care of them.

•I didn’t know I liked cars until I came here. I jump with the same excitement when I spot a Ferrari as I would have if I spotted the most beautiful shoes.

I am making sure I experience a new thing every day. In the past three days, Apart from other touristy things, I have done this –

•First international flight, an unforgettable experience with the immigration officials

•A trip to a water park with crazy rides

•Seen the highest point in the UAE

•A trip to a Sushi bar (I have fallen in love with Sushi)

•Finally learnt to eat with chopsticks (had no choice while eating sushi)

•Authentic Arabic food

It seems like I have been here forever. I am packing away lots of memories in the corners of my mind.
I have no plans for tomorrow and I love a life like that. A life I want to live every single day.

(P.S– more musings on Dubai to follow...)

Excerpts from the Dairy of a 16 and 18 year old....

The joy about growing up is looking back and being amazed at the road you took.
I happened to come across some of my old diaries mom has painstakingly preserved.

They had my poems, articles and feelings penned down. They also had some cards and letters I saved in them along with two flowers carefully preserved (for the life of me I don’t remember who, when and where gave them to me!!)

Some excerpts from the diary –

Friday, 3rd April 1998 (the day 10th boards got over)

“... I don’t want to leave; I don’t want anything to change and most of all I don’t want to grow up...”

I did leave, I did grow and I did change. Thank God I did! Though I don’t remember when was the last time I ever thought about the days in school or the days just before I moved to Pune, I do remember the process of change and the feelings I went through at that time.....

Class 9 (year 1997) – paragrph from a poem published in the school newsletter.

...The myriad moods of nature
Show only one reflection...
Mine.”

I was philosophical then I am philosophical now... just more realistic!!!

Letter from Mom (after major fight with the boyfriend at that time) August 2000

“Smart is the woman who can see through the act, yet give occasional boosts to the male ego BUT keep them in their place. It is a tall order indeed. And most of us would say – How? I mean we feel so helpless without the presence of a man in our periphery. So while you give their egos a shove now and then don’t forget to show them that you can do without them a d for that DONT EVER CRY IN THE PRESENCE OF ANY MAN. Because when you cry – you shatter all your build up – I am a woman of substance – and end up looking like a fool.”

Mommmmmy!!!!! I love you. I don’t know if I have mentioned it earlier but I have the coolest folks and my mom simply rocks. I love her for it. Nine years ago my mom was giving me gyan about men. Nine years later it still applies. (I guess I will need to refer to her beautifully written letters when I will need to give my daughter gyan because, men I guess will never change!)
Sadly, I did cry in front of a man a couple of times after that. All of them I realize today didn’t deserve it at all. Soon enough I realized and stopped doing it.

August 6th 2000 (Happy friendship day, handmade card by J)

“Keep the flame of friendship burning all the time” (with a flower looking thing made under it)

J is my bestest friend, if there can be one. I can be honest with her. There are no pretensions between us and that’s the best part. I know it must have taken her ages to make this and pains to write because – she cannot write/draw and most importantly show her affections.

Nine years down the line, we are still burning the flame of friendship!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lol. (if there was a cheeky line contest this would win hands down!!!)

I’m off now, but my weekend project is to dig out old letters and more diaries and entertain my self... so there will be more of this coming ... read on !!!

cross connections

On-off, on-off,

The switch in my heart

Building walls

Breaking fences

Off-on, off-on.

Always on,

The switch in my mind,

Solving puzzles,

Inventing riddles,

Always on.

Updates, Updates, Updates

I am super kicked!!!!

The weekend has been great!!!!

1) I bought my "very own" laptop. FINALLY!!!!! and that too a Sony Vaio. I always wanted this. Money has bought happiness!!!!

2)I have spent the entire weekend with R. He is leaving in a few days and I cant miss any moments with him. He is such a delight. Now here is happiness that is so innocent, pure and lovely.

3)I have decided to let go.... now whats the point?

4)Had dinner at La Fiesta, Cannelloni with spinach ... yummmmmmm!!!

I'm spending the Sunday playing with R, updating the laptop, reading and hopefully painting a tequila bottle.

Now, who cares about tomorrow?
:)

The certainty of uncertainty!!!

The last few days have got me contemplating about certainty. We live our lives striving for certainty when everything around us is uncertain.
The core of being is uncertain and ironically the core of not being is the only thing that is certain.

When I heard the news of a twenty nine year old passing away due to some random illness, it hit me that it doesn’t take a second to break the momentum of life.

The past few days and weeks have had me question the basic existence of a lot of things, including myself!

I can step up, get a hold of myself and fight for things, but I’m just not being able to do it.

I want answers first.

Why do I need to do all this when at the end of the day it’s not going to count at all?

Its not about the money in my bank account, it’s not about the number of shoes I own. It’s not about the promotion I will or will not get, its not even about who did get the promotion.
It’s not about the meetings, the presentations, the fight for power. And it’s certainly not about the degrees and the laurels you achieve.

It is, about the way you feel when you see a child smiling innocently at you (I know this is clichéd but I truly experienced this in the past few months)
It’s about the places you go to and the people you meet. It’s about the crazy things you do and the random things in life.
It’s eating ice-cream straight from the carton and blowing soap bubbles into space.
It’s about the times you spend looking at the stars and watching sunsets.

There comes a point in your life when you reflect at the times that never happened. The holidays you never took, the friend you never called, the ‘I’m sorry, I love you’ you never said, the huge cheese burger you never ate…..

That’s when you realize that you weren’t living at all.
You were breathing a robotic existence controlled by other people, destiny and time. The three things that are certainly ‘uncertain’ in life.

Therefore….

I take a pledge to experience, enhance and enrich my existence.
I take a pledge to start living today.

The road to Love

Topsy turvy,
Amusingly bumpy,
Ironically twisty,
Sometimes empty,
Mysteriously quirky,
Weirdly clammy,
Lip-smackingly tasty,
Intriguingly lovely...

..The road to love.

Blueberry muffins and conversations....

Every Friday evening since the past one and a half years, I miss Bombay. Weekends in Bombay begin on Friday afternoon. There is always something exciting to do, somewhere exciting to go.

There are so many things I miss about Bombay - (in no particular order)

The sea
The smell (Bombay has a weird smell of salt, fish, shit and trains)
The way its alive at any given point of time
The food
The way you can get out of your house in a pajamas or in a LBD and no one even gives you a second glance
The fact that no one 'really cares'
Wada pav
The fact that one can get a bottle of wine with a wine opener delivered at their doorstep at 3 am
Worli sea face
Colaba causeway
The walks in the by lanes of Bandra
Out of the blue

I could go on and on...
What I am really missing this Friday evening are the Blueberry muffins at The Bagel Shop.
Sitting on the cane chairs.. watching the world go by... eating a blueberry muffin and drinking mint tea while day turns into night and no one cares to ask me to get up and leave. :)

The Bagel Shop at Bandra

An ode to my 'low tech' friends!

Continuing the simple “low tech” pleasures of life story, I love how food and good conversation can uplift your mood like nothing else can.

After the week I have had, a dinner and conversation with friends was just so relaxing.
Of course when food is Chinese it takes half my worries away!
Which gets me to a question that’s boggling my mind since quite sometime; everyone says friends are the family we choose. If that’s the case, can we forgo our family if they are not to our liking?
Or do we continue to please or get displeased by the whims and fancies of people who are forced into our lives by people who might not even exist today?

Lucky are those who find friends within their family. But if that doesn’t happen to you, does our society and culture allow you to let go and live your life the way you want to?

I see so many people stuck in a rut because of bonds that they didn’t choose or want. Bonds which they are obligated to whether they like it or not!

Are these people unlucky?

While at dinner today, conversation flowed easily, there were no pretensions. Unlike the past week that has been pretentious and fake in order to please people.
My friends didn’t judge me on the parameters I have been judged lately –

Why are you still ‘single’ at 27?
Why don’t you know what you want to do with your life?
Why do you spend your money the way you do?
Why are you anti social?
Why are you sometimes extra social?
Why do you fall in love so easily?
Why is attraction so important when it comes to ‘settling down’?
Why are you making friends with people who are being termed by others as ‘bad’ people?

My friends listen to my idiosyncrasies as I listen to theirs. It’s my haven where I can be myself, seek comfort and refuge.

There are answers I still seek. I will still pretend and behave the way society expects me to behave. I will still laugh and ignore when someone asks me one of the weird questions.
I will do all that because at the end of the day I know there is that one cup of coffee and a friend I can pour my heart to and that’s all that matters.

Low tech

…. And bring so much happiness…. I would replace Kittens with Puppies.